This blog post does, in no way, shape, or form, attempts to evoke fear in anyone, specially new, upcoming moms, but this is an attempt to keep it real for the sake of our womanly sanity. These are some of my real and raw emotions I wrestled with as I journeyed through my birthing story that I hope will encourage you to know they come at us real and raw for a reason. If you have experienced similar stories, I hope you will find encouragement that you are not alone. I also hope you are able to look at these emotions in a new light; in a beautiful one. I encourage you to keep in mind that although our stories may be similar, which offers comfort, each woman is created unique, therefore has their own unique birthing experience. So, this is my birthing story, which includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the glory of it all? The bad and ugly turned into beauty because of His grace. He carried me the entire way.
When I was pregnant I had this “idea” in my head of how my birthing experience would play out. I would give birth and Zay would fall snug in my arms. He would nurse like a champ. Sleep. Cry, too because I knew that’s what babies do. There would absolutely be some pain, but it would be short lived and dissolve as soon as he popped (right) out of me and I saw his precious face. My perception of reality was just a little off. This was so not how it played out; for me at least. Although his face was so precious, the pain behind birthing a child didn’t dissolve after seeing his face for the first time, and I was completely taken back. It left me experiencing all kinds of emotion I NEVER could have anticipated, and I was shocked and so confused.
When you think of having a baby, what thoughts come to mind? For me it was overwhelming joy, excitement, love, contentment, and peace. Notice in those words, there are no negative emotions, simply because I never anticipated feeling them, so when I did, I quickly began feeling ashamed of them. As soon as I had Zay, I remember being so clouded with so many different emotions from total opposites side of the spectrum. He was here! Finally! I felt “overjoyed”, but yet “miserable” all at the same time. How could this even be possible? Well, Brittany let's think about it: Could it possibly be because you just brought a human being into the world through your body? I would think a natural reaction from this could be that you are miserably tired from laboring, drained from pushing hour upon hours, exhausted mentally and physically from the trauma, in pain, passing out, and getting sick. That sounds about right. :-/
But I just had a baby. What happened to Zayin coming out, nursing like a champ and laying on my chest in peace and calmness? Yep, that didn’t happen. But life happened- Zay had a bowel movement in utero, so I saw him for a second and then he was rushed over to a team of professional for observation. I do remember holding him for the first time, seeing his sweet face, and hearing his precious cry. But hours went on and all I wanted to do is sleep. After all, it was 5am in the morning.
The morning light began to rise and I also began realizing, full on, my life would never be the same. Our sweet boy was here. I loved feeling his soft cheeks, counting his small toes, holding his tiny hands. I loved him; a love that's so indescribable, but man I was so scared, so tired, and so frustrated because he wouldn’t nurse. And it hit me; he was ours, all ours responsibility, all our care, all our patience, all of love, all our fear; he was all ours; entrusted to us from the Lord. This left me in a pile of joyful tears, but I still couldn’t get around the 'human' emotions of fear and physical discomfort from the pain, that I now know were only a normal progression of birthing a child. Yes, above all, there’s joy, and that joy floods your heart so powerfully, but there’s also tons of sacrifice. Sacrifice, we as moms, freely endure in order to carry (either in our heart or physically in our bodies) and bring our children into the world. I am so thankful to my mom that comforted me in these times, and helped me realize that beyond the joy, there can still be pain present, and that's okay. I was not superhuman after all. I hurt, I feel pain, I feel raw emotions and I don’t have to feel ashamed for feeling it because after all, it's kinda normal. (And I breathe a *Sight* of relief) There was hope it would all eventually dissolve. And it did.
The revelation? God brings beauty to our pain. We knew that though the pain pierced us to our core from the contraction, it would bring us that much closer to meeting our bundle of blessing. He knew every prayer we prayed as we held our future child/children in our hearts would all be to our good and His glory and purpose. He knew that the exhaustion from waiting on our child (either in our heart or in our bodies), laboring and then finally pushing would provide us with a better understand of the beautiful sacrifice of God's selfless love He demonstrated on the Cross. God's own own Son bled and died for us so that we could have life in Him. He knew that by blessing us with children, we now will have that opportunity to demonstrate selfless love to our children every day. I wouldn’t have it any other way. No pain, no gain, right?! To all the mommy’s & mommy’s to be, no matter how the Lord brought our children to us, I thank you for your sacrifice, along with the selfless love you continue to pour out unto your children with each new day. Being a mommy is one of the best gifts in the universe, but it’s also hard. It’s hard bringing them into the world and it’s hard when they enter the world. May we take the good emotion with the bad and entrust it all to His fame and His glory.
Oh, and BTW- stop feeling guilty if, through your birthing process, you were a hot mess, like me. I felt guilty for too long. It’s only recently where I began allowing my heart to see I’m HUMAN and not superhuman(woman) who “can do it all” and can "keep it all together". Sometimes (oftentimes) I fail, and i’m learning that’s okay. Failing is okay because God is teaching me. Each time I fail, God reminds my heart, "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” Prov 16:9 Rest in this peace and promise today. His way is best; even if it does involve pain. After all, he did choose YOU to be his mommy and/or her mommy. There’s no one better suited for them than YOU. He knew this before the creation of the world that YOU would be THEIR mother. May your heart rest in this. Happy Mother’s Day, Mommas!